Tales from the edge of Autumn

musings on heartbreak & aging

Recently I hiked to a little meadow that holds good memories for me. It's where my first boyfriend and I used to go and kiss. He was my first true love. Which resulted in my first true heart break. A part of life I am still trying to resolve all these years later. 

I sat in this little clearing in the forest, grappling with my now entirely lonely life, trying to make sense of the "undoing" my life has become since turning 50, since menopause, since getting "over the hill" and starring wide eyed into the abyss of what appears to be "all" downhill from here, despite the memes and posts that say people are actually at their best and most successful from ages 60 to 100. 

Meanwhile, this really beautiful breeze began to stir in the trees... soothing my senses bringing me back to just being present, the sensation of the gentle autumn wind suddenly caressing the last of the summer's heat from the land made me so grateful. 

To finely be "cooling off", so to speak. 

I am poignantly aware that time doesn't really heal all wounds or heal heart break or the patterns that have shaped us, time just lends us the lens through which we begin to relate to heartache with more patience and grace. 

We begin to understand that what we feel is fleeting and flexible and although somethings remain the same... slowly but surely we can begin to relate to life's disappointments with some levity. This is when, we begin to see in new and beautiful ways.

and then I looked up and from across the meadow, I saw this group of old Spirit Trees, a bit of a fairy doorway if you will.

This is when, I realized, I am a lot more like these old trees now a days, then the girl, I used to be, the one of springtime and summer who was kissing and flirting in the meadow of her youth.

I am not "over the hill", just getting polished and hollowed out, but still living and thriving with wide branches to catch the light and deep roots that hum with the mother. Knowing deep nourishment is a reality where all things are connected and united in the earth.

I am weathered and shaped and being carved out by life, like these ancient trees. 

A conduit, perhaps being transformed, that I may provide shelter for realms beyond my imagining, and sustenance for future generations.

And so the Wheel Turns...